After a long weekend of night shifts I am beyond fatigued. I have felt so nauseated, tired, weak, shaky, sweaty and purely exhausted today that I thought forsure I was dying. Do I have cancer? Maybe my thyroid is shutting down? My kidneys? I do eat too much candy. Why am I so diaphoretic while trying to sleep after my night shifts. My lovely sister says on skype, "What is wrong with you? I haven't seen you look this terrible since you had your C-section!!! Are you okay?" (The love and honesty of sisters, gotta love it! ) I assure you, there is nothing really wrong with me. I am having difficulty keeping up on my endurance high. Short and simple, night shifts suck and I need my regular sleep.
I force on my favorite outdoor running outfit. Every piece of clothing I put on has that swoosh. The swoosh that gives me life. I, of course, procrastinate my run for a few hours and eventually step onto the black trail. This trail leads me to a million thoughts. Endorphins are running through my bloodstream. I can feel it and I am high! My attitude turns from death to life. My vision changes from black and white to bold and beautiful colors. I am alive. I am happy. I am free.
I finally see the signs of Spring. The neon green blades of grass peeping through the brown. I feel the Spring wind blowing hard on my back, pushing my pace to 7:26. I hear kids playing in backyards and birds happily chirping from tree to tree. As I make my simple 5 mile route, my favorite route since highschool, I realize all the snow has melted off the path and it is finally clear. I have waited for this path to clear for months! Two miles into the run, I climb a small hill that leads me to 3 huge piles of snow that I have to run through. Or, I could turn around. God opens my eyes in ridiculous ways. Here I am expecting this path to be clear of snow, of any obstacles. Just a straight path. God says, "Oh no you don't. How do you find me in life if the path is clear and free from obstacles?" I smile at the snow bank that is past my knees and run through it. I run through it slowly and carefully. Careful that my fragile knee doesn't twist and turn the wrong way, protecting myself from re-injury. I even have to stop and walk some. Isn't that how life seems sometimes? A straight path, blocked by annoyances, a tug on your heart that says stop, endurance that says "keep on going, you can make it through," and once you are through that annoyance, one is able to continue down the clear path, knowing that this is only for a short period until you are faced with another snow bank that you thought was melted. The snow bank that I stopped at and starred in the face had big foot prints to guide me. I started carefully using those foot prints to get through that bank, started to build confidence and made my own footprints. This made it way more difficult to make it through, so I was led back into the footprints to get through. Funny how God shows me how badly I need him. Sometimes, I like to think I am in control and that I am able to do anything. I guess I need those footprints, the guidance, the love and patience He has to offer. I will take it, because lately I need Him more than ever.
I have been trained to be an endurance runner. What a blessing it was to have running to teach me so much about life. Endurance is engrained in my heart. It is how I live. It is how I make it through 12 hour shifts. It is how I make it through therapy session after therapy session. It is how I make it through doctor appt after doctor appt. It is how I make it through hard days that don't seem worth it. Endurance brings me through the tough, rough and ugly. It runs through my blood like wild fire during a long run and makes me live again.
Life happens. The love of my family and friends brings me to the next day. The daily challenges I face raising my son with special needs is wearing on my soul. There are days I have no hope left. That is why I run. It brings me back to life. It brings me back to the perspective that life keeps going and Endurance will help pull me through.
Romans 5:3 We Rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.
I chose to title my blog with a the powerful word Endurance because it is weaved in every aspect of my life.
